Argue less with your kids

When your child, or teen, says: 

Why do I have to eat the vegetables?

Why do we have to go to Grandma's house?

Why can't I stay out past 10:00?

How do you feel?

Many parents say they feel challenged and they automatically get defensive, especially if the tone is whiny, demanding, or well, challenging. The defensiveness frequently leads to providing a logical explanation for the reasons they've set a limit or made a statement. The logic isn't heard and an argument ensues.

What if, when we ask our children and teens questions that start with why, they feel the same way?

Why didn't you do your homework?

Why did you push your sister?

Why can't you just go to sleep?

The mere question puts them on the defensive and they try to explain. Their explanations are as ineffective as ours.

Try this instead to avoid the argument and communicate more clearly:

Substitute the word "what" for "why" to get the same information.

What was getting in the way of doing your homework?

What's making you so mad that you felt you had to push your sister?

What's hard about going to sleep tonight?

How do those alternatives feel? “What” questions are more likely to be informative and contribute to solving the problem and helping to reach a goal: homework done, appropriately handling strong feelings, and settling down to go to sleep.

Try it and let me know how it works out!