Are you fueling sibling rivalry?

It's so annoying when kids fight! It not only disrupts the peace of the family, but it also causes parents to worry about aggression and whether siblings will ever be close.

Each child naturally wants to be in the spotlight of the parents' love and attention, a resource that they require to grow. When there are siblings around, they are competing for that commodity, especially if it is scarce. Each one is trying to be better than the other and when parents unconsciously point out differences in behavior and abilities, they are fueling that.

Here are 3 ways that you may inadvertently be encouraging the rivalry, and what you can do differently.:

Blame Game

"Who left the milk out on the counter?!" - Focusing on who did something is accusatory and only serves to vilify the one who made the mistake, and indirectly elevate the one who regularly puts the milk away.

Instead, try (calmly) "The milk is out, what needs to be done" in the presence of only the culprit. The approach is more likely to develop habits of putting things away, rather than embarrassing the individual. I know it is frustrating to have to prompt many times, and some kids will get it faster than others. Stay the course. 

Competition

"Who can get to the car first?" I used this so often to get my kids moving faster. It worked, however in hindsight, I see how my 2 energetic and athletic sons only complied so they could gloat to each other over who was better and won.

A little competition can be helpful, but a constant stream creates more inequality. Dr. John Taylor said “Like salt on food, competition should be limited to being a condiment to season a game, to provide an extra specialness. But also, like salt, it leaves an unpleasant result if it is the main ingredient in the experience.” 

Instead try getting into action, "It looks like we're all ready, I'm heading toward the car, meet you all there."

Taking Sides

"You know better than that." This is so often said to the older child from whom we expect so much more. The implication is, you are better, older, and your sibling is younger and weaker, once again setting up the inequality that will fuel rivalry.

Instead, look behind the action. That older child's emotions are likely causing the inappropriate behavior. Acknowledging the feelings first and getting curious will be more likely to reveal the intention and help that child learn self-regulation and how to resolve the issue with the sibling. You can still state the family limits, and it will more likely be heard after the feelings are accepted. "You were so mad, that you hit your brother. What's going on? (listen first)...and, you know that we don't hurt others in our family..."
 
Although kids do need to learn how to get along and occasional sibling fighting gives opportunity to help them with that, constant fighting disrupts the family atmosphere and prevents that learning from happening. Try to to add fuel to the fire, and help them learn to work it out.