The #1 Way to Encourage your Kids!

Parents have told me this tool is magical!

happy Mom and Son playing basketball

Recently in a parenting program, I had toddler parents with babies on the way and we talked about the challenge of helping the older sibling adjust to a new little one in the house. I stressed the importance of carving out time just 1:1 with the older child in frequent short bursts to communicate how important that older child is and to tune into how they are adjusting to the change.

Spending structured "Special Time" at a time when the family constellation is changing can help siblings get along, parents stay in touch, and the entire family adapt to the new dynamic.

Other times when parental connection is especially important for kids may be when:

  • there are new milestones like starting school, moving to a new home, or beginning a new activity.

  • they are struggling with friendships, academics, or managing feelings.

  • they are anticipating leaving home for summer camp, or college.

Although there are critical times in a child's life when focused attention from a parent is important, children, young and old, ALWAYS need a connection to their parents and Special Time is an easy way to keep that connection.

It regularly gives them time they can count on, so they don’t need to act out to get your attention. It’s proven that increased Special Time with parents means less misbehavior from kids. You will be improving your relationship which is the basis of cooperation, self-confidence, and skill development. Kids love it, and guess what, you will too!

Here are some guidelines for Special Time. Do it as many times as you can fit it in during the week (daily is preferable, however sometimes not realistic). 

  • Spend time 1 : 1, parent and child

  • Schedule the time in advance (eg 4:30-4:45), that way you will both know when to expect it. Short more frequent times (15 min daily or 3-4 times/week) are better for young children and longer less frequent times (30-60 minutes on the weekend) may be more practical for teens.

  • Start on time and end on time, if s/he begs for more, simply say you'll do it again tomorrow and put it on the schedule.

  • Use a timer to signal when time is up.

  • The time is child-directed, that is s/he gets to decide what you do together. Try not to suggest activities, let it be their free choice. You can provide some limits such as no screens as it's time for you to spend with each other, not with a device.

  • It is uninterrupted and unconditional - not taken away for bad behavior.

  • Be focused with no agenda, this is not a time to teach, just to enjoy each other!

  • If a child is nagging to play with you during the day, you can suggest that they save that activity for your Special Time and that you are looking forward to spending that time just with them.

  • Some examples are building with Legos, shooting baskets in the driveway, taking a walk, playing with the dog, having a dance party, playing a card game, or preparing and eating a special snack.

  • Kids love it when you call it by their name, “Ashley time”.

Special Time reinforces your relationship, and communicates to kids that you have their back, that they are important, and you have confidence in them.

Try it and let me know how it goes!



This information was drawn from Positive Discipline by Jane Nelsen, and Parenting With Courage and Uncommon Sense by Linda Jessup and Emory Luce Baldwin.

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